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20 weird songs for your best Christmas ever
By
Editorial Staff

Published

December 19, 2017

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Written by Andrea Warner and James Booth

If you love Christmas music — truly love it, not just enjoy Mariah Carey’s instant classic “All I Want for Christmas” — then chances are you know just how weird (and wonderful) the sub-genre can get.

We did a deep dive into our music libraries for some of the most outlandish holiday tunes we’ve ever heard. Scroll down and then let us know on Facebook and Twitter: what’s your favourite weird Christmas song?


Song: “Disco Christmas”
Artist: Universal Robot Band

If there still needs to be a case made for disco — there doesn’t, it’s a great genre — then just find some funk-fuelled Christmas songs like this glittering gem, which is more than six minutes long and also features a casual disagreement between Santa and Rudolph over wages.

— Andrea Warner


Song: “Present Face”
Artist: Garfunkel and Oates

The musical comedy duo’s ode to this annual plight is brilliantly accurate and totally catchy. — AW


Song: “Dear Santa (Bring me a Man This Christmas)”
Artist: The Weather Girls

The Weather Girls are the best, and you know what else is the best? Women singing about their own desire, and owning that desire rather than shying away from it or denying it. — AW


Song: “Silver Bells”
Artist: Disco Noel

See earlier for feelings about disco music, but also: "Silver Bells" is one of those classic Christmas songs that gets overlooked all the time, and a different treatment like this goes a long ways towards making it feel much more special than it actually is. — AW


Song: “Christmas With Satan”
Artist: James Chance

It’s right there in the title, and it’s arguably the darkest Christmas song on the planet. Ho, ho, hope is gone! — AW


Song: “If it Doesn’t Snow for Christmas”
Artist: Joe Pesci

Editor's note: strong language warning.

Joe Pesci goes all Goodfellas on us and offers up his version of this Gene Autry Christmas classic.

— James Booth


Song: “The Santa Clause Boogie”
Artist: The Tractors

In part, it’s actually the music video that makes this song so special, particularly when the uncle with the bad back gets up and gets down. The dated racism of the second verse puts a damper on the boogie though. — AW


Song: “Christmas With the Devil”
Artist: Spinal Tap

PSA for your most metal Christmas: "there are no bells in hell;" "there's someone up the chimney hole and Satan is his name;" "the sugar plums are rancid." — AW


Song: “Santa, Teach me to Dancel”
Artist: Debbie & the Darnells

Santa’s secret double life: agile hoofer and cutting-edge cool dude who knows how to do the mashed potato and the locomotion. — AW


Song: “Merry Twistmas”
Artist: The Marcels

All twist, all the time — not even Christmas was spared! — AW


Song: “Christmas Cha Cha Cha Cha”
Artist: The Merry Macs

When only the most sophisticated dance will do. — AW


Song: “Dancin’ With Santa”
Artist: The Trashmen

This Santa dancing song is different because the reindeer teach him their moves, and oh, what a sight that would be. — AW


Song: “Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin’”
Artist: Albert King

There are a number of songs concerned with Santa’s sexual satisfaction, and this is one of them. Just because he only works one day a year, doesn’t mean the jolly dude doesn’t have his needs — and while this isn’t the weirdest Santa sex tune, it is the grooviest. (Let’s appreciate the fact that there are enough songs to make a whole playlist of Santa sex tunes.) — AW


Song: “Santa and the Sidewalk Surfer”
Artist: The Crossfires

This song starts with a long list of consumer items required to live the life of a sidewalk surfer, and it sounds like an identity that’s fully informed by its trappings rather than just looking inside oneself and realizing you were a sidewalk surfer all along. — AW


Song: “I’m Gonna Lasso Santa Claus”
Artist: Brenda Lee

We fully applaud this Robin Hood treatment of Santa, whose reign of inequity has gone unchallenged for too long. — AW


Song: “Honky the Christmas Goose”
Artist: Johnny Bower

A Christmas single from the goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team. How could you not love it? — JB


Song: “Silent Night & the 11 O’clock News”
Artist: The Shurfine Singers

This is both a powerful political piece of protest art, and also what tipped me off to the fact that apparently there is enough material to justify the Vietnam War Christmas songs playlist. — AW


Song: “Jingle Bells”
Artist: Esquivel

This warped version of “Jingle Bells” truly does sound like it comes from outer space. — JB


Song: “Oh Blimey, It’s Christmas”
Artist: Frank Sidebottom

The late Chris Sievey’s comedy alter ego, Frank Sidebottom, was a delightfully bizarre creation, and this Christmas tune is fittingly absurdist and clever. — AW


Song: “Scrooge”
Artist: The Ventures

Groovy and weird and spooky, particularly with those strange, creepy laughs that pop up randomly throughout. — AW

Hang out with me on Twitter: @_AndreaWarner

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